Monday, October 09, 2006
Life Lessons at the Zoo
Yesterday the Professor and I went to the zoo with his son, DIL, and their two children, a 6 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. It was our first trip to the zoo since we went to Africa, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to stand seeing animals caged up after witnessing them living wild and free. As it turned out, I had enough other distractions that I didn't have much opportunity to grieve for the animals.
What I did discover yesterday is that discipline and parenting seem to be one of the rarest things on the planet these days. We were all getting hungry and thirsty, so we stopped for lunch. We went through a food-court-type line, and when I got to the table, Little Girl was sitting on the ground having a major temper tantrum, and Boy was quietly crying. Despite having asked for hot dogs, they were no longer in the mood to eat them. I commented that they could suit themselves, I planned to have an ice cream cone for dessert, and obviously kids who don't eat lunch don't get dessert. Boy got the message and started to eat his hot dog; Little Girl continued her temper tantrum. Suddenly the Prof's son, K, jumped up and took Little Girl away. And do you know where he took her? --- to get an ice cream cone! I saw the look on Boy's face, and told him I was very proud of him and sorry that his sister did not have to obey the rules. DIL was sitting right there, but made no comment.
A while later, we were standing at the bear cage when suddenly DIL blurted "Where is Little Girl?!" She was nowhere in sight, so three of us took off to track her down, leaving the Professor and Boy at that spot. We searched for ten minutes or more. When I came back to the Prof, he said Boy had just spotted Little Girl. We ran down to where she was, but the running apparently did not get rid of any adrenaline in me. I was absolutely livid. I don't think I was shouting, but I was certainly being firm. I told Little Girl to sit down and not move a muscle until her parents came; that I would spank her myself if I could; that we didn't know if she had fallen in the pit and been eaten by the bear, or taken by some bad person, or was lost and scared and crying, but that we were all worried and scared ourselves, and had been searching everywhere for her. Now this child either yells bloody murder or talks back when she is reproved, but she immediately sat and kept her head down. It was obvious I had gotten through to her. After a few minutes of relaying messengers to find them, the parents arrived. Their reaction?: a big sigh, a head shake, and "Little Girl, take my hand." That was it. Although her dad did say a while later "We're going to have a discussion when we get home." Uh, Dad? She's three! Positive and negative reinforcement AT THE TIME are what she needs.
I stopped at the gift shop on the way out, to get something for the Little Angel, who wasn't able to go with us. The woman in front of me had two large rubber snakes. When the clerk announced that the total was $18, the woman was shocked and said to her little boy, "Let's find some smaller snakes to buy; this is too much money." Well, he started to cry, not a tantrum, but one of those fold-in-on-yourself, silent tears like your heart is broken numbers. I've seen these from the Little Angel, and I have to admit, they're hard to watch, and it takes a lot of strength to hold your ground. Well, this woman was no match for her kid; she immediately told the clerk she would buy them and then began apologizing to her son for ever suggesting he might not get exactly what he wants every time he wants it. Now here's the thing that really gets me: when I see this kind of crying, I never have the feeling that it's done to manipulate, but that the child is genuinely devasted. Unless you can guarantee that your child will never have any disappointments in life, don't you think it might be good to teach him how to deal with it? Instead, she taught him that he can manipulate her; that "too much money" doesn't mean a thing in the face of wanting something; and that you should never compromise or negotiate ( the smaller snakes), but demand everything for yourself.
So I'm thinking that Nancy Reagan's old slogan needs to be modified slightly and brought back out for today's parents: Just say no to your kids.
What I did discover yesterday is that discipline and parenting seem to be one of the rarest things on the planet these days. We were all getting hungry and thirsty, so we stopped for lunch. We went through a food-court-type line, and when I got to the table, Little Girl was sitting on the ground having a major temper tantrum, and Boy was quietly crying. Despite having asked for hot dogs, they were no longer in the mood to eat them. I commented that they could suit themselves, I planned to have an ice cream cone for dessert, and obviously kids who don't eat lunch don't get dessert. Boy got the message and started to eat his hot dog; Little Girl continued her temper tantrum. Suddenly the Prof's son, K, jumped up and took Little Girl away. And do you know where he took her? --- to get an ice cream cone! I saw the look on Boy's face, and told him I was very proud of him and sorry that his sister did not have to obey the rules. DIL was sitting right there, but made no comment.
A while later, we were standing at the bear cage when suddenly DIL blurted "Where is Little Girl?!" She was nowhere in sight, so three of us took off to track her down, leaving the Professor and Boy at that spot. We searched for ten minutes or more. When I came back to the Prof, he said Boy had just spotted Little Girl. We ran down to where she was, but the running apparently did not get rid of any adrenaline in me. I was absolutely livid. I don't think I was shouting, but I was certainly being firm. I told Little Girl to sit down and not move a muscle until her parents came; that I would spank her myself if I could; that we didn't know if she had fallen in the pit and been eaten by the bear, or taken by some bad person, or was lost and scared and crying, but that we were all worried and scared ourselves, and had been searching everywhere for her. Now this child either yells bloody murder or talks back when she is reproved, but she immediately sat and kept her head down. It was obvious I had gotten through to her. After a few minutes of relaying messengers to find them, the parents arrived. Their reaction?: a big sigh, a head shake, and "Little Girl, take my hand." That was it. Although her dad did say a while later "We're going to have a discussion when we get home." Uh, Dad? She's three! Positive and negative reinforcement AT THE TIME are what she needs.
I stopped at the gift shop on the way out, to get something for the Little Angel, who wasn't able to go with us. The woman in front of me had two large rubber snakes. When the clerk announced that the total was $18, the woman was shocked and said to her little boy, "Let's find some smaller snakes to buy; this is too much money." Well, he started to cry, not a tantrum, but one of those fold-in-on-yourself, silent tears like your heart is broken numbers. I've seen these from the Little Angel, and I have to admit, they're hard to watch, and it takes a lot of strength to hold your ground. Well, this woman was no match for her kid; she immediately told the clerk she would buy them and then began apologizing to her son for ever suggesting he might not get exactly what he wants every time he wants it. Now here's the thing that really gets me: when I see this kind of crying, I never have the feeling that it's done to manipulate, but that the child is genuinely devasted. Unless you can guarantee that your child will never have any disappointments in life, don't you think it might be good to teach him how to deal with it? Instead, she taught him that he can manipulate her; that "too much money" doesn't mean a thing in the face of wanting something; and that you should never compromise or negotiate ( the smaller snakes), but demand everything for yourself.
So I'm thinking that Nancy Reagan's old slogan needs to be modified slightly and brought back out for today's parents: Just say no to your kids.
5 Comments:
i agree, it's so frustrating when you're out somewhere and these little kids are just doing whatever they feel like, they are in a store, running around, as if they were outdoors in a park. i do think alot of the blame is on the parents, instead of taking them shopping, they should take their kids to a park.
As you can imagine I see this all day long at work in the Supermarket. Parents won't say no. They let the kids have rhe expensive ballons, and the toys, an whatever else ntil thy get to thr check out where they rip it out of their hands and blame the checkout person. Some days there is a screaming child at any given time in the store.I wish these parent could srr themselves. You know that when these kids get older they will be totaly running the show bcause their parents have no backbones.
when I worked in retail, I saw too many examples of that myself, it's a shame.
I always hated saying no to my kids, but they learned that they couldn't always get what they wanted. And if one of them, well, actually my older daughter would throw a temper, forget it, the only thing she got was a spanking.
And she grew up to be a pretty good adult and parent herself.
Here, here!!!!! I SO AGREE WITH YOU ON THIS. Our youngest grandson is a whiner,and I've witnessed the manipulations so many times. I once when we were on a day trip with the two grandsons and our daughter, had a yelling, crying tantrum in a restaurant. I looked at my daugher---she did nothing. I immediately yanked him out of his chair --dragged him outdoor and he and I sat on the curb until they were all done inside. He didn't get fed that day for lunch, and mind you, o' grandma was a witch to him, but I got my point across.
Of course, it was just one instance, and actually didn't accomplish anything, but still.
I am soooooooo against the wrong kind of child abuse of course, but parents should be TEACHERS, not the child's best friends. And so many times when I see this kinda stuff you describe here, I can't help but go back to the Dr. Spock crap about being a friend to your child.....they learn NOTHING! And-------his children committed suicide.
Let's go back to the old ways of being the disciplinarians we should be parents.
(Now, I'll step down from my podium) *smile*
Something tells me that woman should be setting a huge amount of money aside for future therapy bills.
Great insight, as always.
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