Since I will be out of town on Halloween, I thought I would share the story of my most famous costume. Several years ago the company I worked for had some layoffs and a pay cut, and morale was terrible. I decided that since I am so flat-chested, it would be hilarious to dress up as Dolly Parton. Everyone would get a good laugh and maybe morale would improve.

I went to the costume shop to see about the wig. The one I found was not perfect, but it would do. Then I asked a kid at the counter -- a red-haired, freckle-faced sixteen-year-old-- if they carried falsies.

"Falsies? What's that?"

"Fake breasts."

The poor kid turned as red as his freckles, stammered that he would get the manager, and literally ran away from me. The manager convinced me that if I was going to do this, I needed to do it all the way. So what do you think?

Actually, I already know what you think. If you are a woman, you're thinking:
a) She looks terrible as a blonde!
and
b) If those things were real, she could not stand up atraight!

If you're a man, despite what logic tells you, you are saying "Well DAMN! Now there's a well-built woman!"

It turned out that the costume wasn't funny, after all, at least not to men. The first time I wore it to work, I waited until break time in the shop before making an appearance, so they wouldn't ruin every bit of work in process. But I forgot about the guy driving the fork lift. He saw me and ran right into the wall! The only laughter I heard from males was that guilty giggle that you hear from little boys caught with their hand in the cookie jar, or from men caught with their thoughts on you and sex.

They BELIEVE this stuff! They say "Oh, it's the real you!" As long as I worked at that company, I could not retire Dolly. The men would start telling me in September how much they were looking forward to seeing Dolly Parton again.

Dolly hasn't made an appearance in several years now, but the wig and falsies are still in my closet and every now and then a grandchild will discover them and put on a little show.